On why a “no” is better than nothing….

Something is wrong…… It is so wrong.

It’s not just my usual social discomfort; it is entirely new weird feeling…..

It’s a weird weird feeling of being in a dream…where you just observe… coldly.. impersonally… except when you get something thrown at you and you realize, “Oh shit, THAT HURT!!” You realize you are also experiencing the dream! – like a 4-D movie if you may :P

It’s like you are not doing anything, or rather that you do not want to, since doing something is so incredibly energy consuming :P, but you still end up facing all the consequences!!

You get hurt physically and emotionally…and have nothing but to mutter in amazement… “But… umm….. What the @#$#@!!!!!!” It’s like a stupid puzzle you just know that you wont be able to figure out, so you just sit there watching, hoping the puzzle to just magically solve itself..telling yourself, “Well…what the heck atleast I aint stupid enough to expend energy over nothing…over a puzzle that’s unsolvable!”

Instead, you listen to amazingly soothing numbers, watch all the movies you can get, make assiduously spiced chat…. sip your success and feign a smile ….you get drunk on nothingness and ponder at the unending mysteries of the universe.. and the ever so abundant political agendas and at how callous and cynical is this world in reality… you make intelligent idle talk and share your brilliant insight on the issues that face our planet with equally brilliantly idle people…. as if smart talk can somehow make you feel special and meaningful…

But it just doesn’t! There is always that something missing… Like – (umm… coming back to our so very original analogy of the Jigsaw puzzle :P ) - Like as if the company that manufactured your puzzle just forgot to manufacture one piece of the puzzle..or they just forgot to package that one single piece… Imagine how scary is that!! You carefully set out on your journey to solve and piece together the pieces – except that you never will finish it!! You don’t have that piece!!

And then you go.. “Oh just chuck it… I aint playing this game… If aint ever gonna finish it, whats the point in trying at all!!! I quit gimme my money back damned puzzle maker!!!”

And you try to find the missing piece…Just to make sure you dint drop it on the way somewhere and overlooked it…So you go rummaging every single day of your life… hoping to find that missing link.. And each time you find a piece glistening in the sand… you pick it up and try to fit it into your semi-finished or semi-unfinished puzzle..and go.. “Nay.. This ain’t it… It doesn’t feel quite rite…Nay… doesn’t fit..”

Chuck that piece and go looking again….back to square one.. “The Quest!”

Then walking..looking…looking hard for the piece.. you look at your watch and go,”What the?!! Is this watch really signaling the end of the day ?!! already! But I haven’t even found the missing piece yet! That’s it ? Game over??!! That sure sucks!!!”

And then comes a time when you just go,”Fuck this stupid watch and fuck the missing link!!!”

If there ain’t anything to be done except to spend time looking for something that is not even there, then what’s the point in it afterall? You shake your head and go”This aint a bad return on investment…its worse… NO returns at all!!!”

Hm…so friends, that’s where I am at right now… Everyday is the same…idle monotony…and the worst part is, I already know that tomorrow is going to be the same depressing today repeated all over again…

Hmm… I have sat in a corner doing nothing…for quite sometime…now.. maybe I should afterall find that missing piece and finish the puzzle… sitting around idle ain’t all that fun anyways…

Hm… so then….lets restart and retrace…

Then.. maybe Restlessness is afterall slightly better than Idleness…

Disappointment and failure may after all be better than listlessness and inaction…

Worn out maybe better than Braindead…

And maybe just maybe… Hope is a wee bit better than sheer hopelessness ..

J J J J J J

-hegde.